Mobile Suit Gundam: Eien ni Mukou
by AnglConteLouFraBananaFanaFoIII
Summary: Post-ZZ Gundam, Frau figures out love, truth, and importance in her life - then moves beyond them all. Warnings: Self-analysation and SPOILERS from MSG onwards. An effort to balance the UC genre by writing something [canon-] character based.


**_"....take him and put him in between the stars; and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with Space."_**

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Authored by: "harotype": A _Mobile Suit Gundam_ fanfic_._

Since I'm fairly sure claims are good both retroactively to 1979 C.E. as well as forward to UC 0079 and beyond - Sunrise, Sotsu, Bandai, and anyone else with the money, the paper, and the incredible waste of time to actually make this statement necessary: own Gundam. I do not. Nor am I seeking profit from the use from the use of their characters or any other associated property.

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....not now, anyway....

Warnings: PG (story), PG-13 notes, sap, existentialism, and an ambitious author. Frau POV - Any tense changes not covered with bold, italic, or punctuation marks should be blamed on the tiny variations of psychology.

Setting: Post mid-UC 0089

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**_{"And pay no worship to the garish Sun. And that red comet orbiting around it. " ^_~"}_**

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******Eien ni Mukou**

**{English title: Beyond the Mind, or, ÒÕTurning-AÕ FrauÓ}******

Amuro, I'd stay with you forever and explain everything endlessly when I needed you to hear, but I can't stand to say both parts anymore; can't stand repeating what I know is true.

_"Amuro - I love you!"_

How long has it been since I've been able to say that and be honestly, completely happy about it? 

Years without that sweetest certainty. 

_ ~He can't love me back~_

_ ~The Gundam will always have first place in his emotions~_

_ ~I'm happily married to someone else~_

I give him memories he can't stand to bear. He gives me....

Since I was fifteen, there's always been that part of me that resents him for leaving me alive with my pain. That explosive September morning should have taken Katsu and Hayato from me _then_, rather than waiting nine years. 

I should have been with Mom and Opa. I *would* have if I hadn't been, like always, 

concerned with him.

_~Knowing that he'll leave you in a flash and be gone to save humanity_.~

**_And always the fear that he's gone from me forever._** Completely gone; no memories at all except regret and pain and losing and losing and losing...

_Amuro._

I don't know when his name became "I love you," to me. 

Even the sound, when I whispered it like my own private embrace. 

Or when I cried it, or screamed it, or cursed it into all that emptiness I found ----

...And do I still have that, Amuro?__

Where your name and mine are concerned, is there any love left now, or only the ash and bitterness of facts - of what neither of us was strong enough to accept? 

Should I realize that all the time I spent dreaming of you was only my excuse for avoiding what was real?

"Amuro"; "I love you". 

If they aren't the same anymore, then I know it means that I have to choose one and let it destroy the other. 

My grief is mine to decide. 

So are my rage and so are my losses.

Even my happiness.

_I love you, I love you so...._

But IÕve never had a choice with him.

/Because I've always lived with whatever he gave me// 

Because Amuro and all that he holds exist without thought or consciousness. 

He was explaining the calculations of it to me - I had to grab hold of something and ask him to stop --- Because of him, I know that between all existence there is a space so vast that it hurts when it's brought to mind. Something beyond understanding. No matter what Zeon Daikun says. 

Whether it's only the void of absence or the most substantial thing in the universe, the thing that's a support for the terrible fragility of trying to _exist --- _

This is where Amuro is. 

He is there, he *is*, he **is --**

There, and here with me. 

And I love him. 

I always will.

*****_Author's Note(s):_

**(0) **-the "ou" in "Mukou" is like the sound in "so". Or "sou," or "soo", depending on which Japanese dictionary you're referring to. 

FotD: "ah, so": the only phrase, as far as I know, which is the same thing in English, Japanese, and German. {^_^}

{{Frau: "Ah, so?"}} ^_^;;

{{Amuro: "Ah, so?"}} -_-

{{Bright: "Ah, so?"}} Excuse me. 

_*throws Bright out of authorspace* _

-I don't care if he's the captain, he's not even *IN* this fic!! {^_^} 

**(1) **When Frau refers to "the Gundam", she means not only RX-78, but also everything included in the saga around and because Amuro jumped in with the manual. 

Including but not limited to: life on White Base; Char, Lalah, Lt. Matilda...Newtypes; Zeta; house arrest; having even less of his father than he did previously; having a less-than-ideal reunion with Kamaria...Not only Mobile Suit Gundam, but _Mobile Suit Gundam._

P.S.: "In the interests of science" : 

It can be pretty fairly argued that Frau was the catalyst that brought Amuro to the RX-78-02 cockpit. And like a good catalyst, the importance of her relationship to him instantly ceased to matter; indeed, the relationship itself was never the same as before, once he found everything around him fundementally changed. But-

**(2) **Geez, would *one* lousy on-screen kiss during 14 YEARS have blown _up _the whole stupid "Gundam" saga? Tomino-sama, give me a break!

Actually, since you've already given all the "breaks" to Frau *mutters obscenities in Yas's direction* - For the love of Haro, man!!! Cut the crap already and just _*give*_ her her damn Amuro. The end. Oh, except for-

**(4) **I started writing this before I saw the entries in SporkGoddess's LiveJournal for Thursday the 8th and Sunday the 4th. 

The lyrics of "Starbright"(_Gundam 0083_), as well as excerpts from Jane Eyre and the _Romeo and Juliet_ soliloquy "adapted" above the heading all convey other shadings in the vast spectrum that is ÒFrau to Amuro.Ó Except in a much prettier and less pedantic way. 

I may have *written*, but I have a ways to go before I achieve "lit'rary." 

And finally, (really)

**(3) **If you spot the pun amidst all the pining, then we understand each other like Newtype kindred. And according to proper Tomino doctrine, should therefore probably stay the HELL away from each other.

*^_^*

-Completed Fri. Jan 16, 2004


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